this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
