you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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