ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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