so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
