I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
