I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i drank out of a bidet.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
