My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
pop tarts are not kleenex
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
