Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize