my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
