Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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