When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize