just tell him i said nine months
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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