I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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