So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i will never coherently bang her
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
