so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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