Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
