a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
