i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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