Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
