I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
