Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
