he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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