Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
