I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
