i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
