The maid of honor just puked.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
MIDGETS
????
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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