If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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