yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Randomize
