FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
