apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
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