I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
