He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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