My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
