you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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