i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
