You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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