turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
