Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We have so much sex to catch up on
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
