so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
