I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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