I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Are my feet made of real feet?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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