fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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