Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
