I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
