There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
