i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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