He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
