So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
