Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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