New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I miss vodka workout Fridays
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
