May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize