So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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