You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
