I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We don't watch enough power rangers
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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