I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
