Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
